Now I Know, I Am Me

Who am I? Yeah, I’m asking myself, who am I? It’s weird, right? Asking myself who am I is weird. I control myself, but why ask myself who am I? Maybe I’m confused. Maybe I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t trust my decisions, my choices, my instincts. Or just maybe I’m too busy with things that I don’t have time to talk to myself about my decisions and my choices.

Sometimes, people say “Jem, you’re so sweet… kind… nice… such a gentleman” but sometimes “Jem, you’re a jerk… mean…rude.” Sometimes I think of myself as a gentleman, but also sometimes I think of myself as the opposite. When I talk to someone I’m not that close or not really close, why do I act like a gentleman or a nice guy? Did I just act it or that’s just who I really am? But why if I’m with my closest friends I act wild? Who am I?

I was in love with a girl, got broken, still in love with her, then fell in love with another girl, in love with both, then chose the first. I said and did sweet things, the things I really meant, to the one I didn’t choose, yet, still didn’t choose her. I left her but I didn’t lie to her. I really loved her but I said things that were broken, I didn’t keep my words. That was why I don’t trust myself anymore with my promises. I don’t know or I’m not sure if I will keep or break my promises unlike before, I was always sure to keep and do my promises.

Until now, it bothers me. Not just leaving her that bothers me, but also all the broken promises I made and decisions that hurt people. Do I still control myself, or my feelings are taking over? Then, at last, I had the time for myself. I had my realizations, leanings and lessons. After that time, I felt lighter. I felt that I really know who I am. I now have the feeling that I got the control back.

Realizations and lessons were made after that time, the time for myself. Now I know who I am and I can change if it’s wrong and be better if it’s right. I now have the control. I am just a simple boy who likes to do things in his own way. I have no problem with people that judge the way I do things in my life. That’s because I don’t control how and what they think. I don’t worry about the things I can’t control; I worry about the things I can, which are myself and my attitude. I will not let the negative things people think about me affect me. My attitude is not based on how you treat me. It is based on how I use it regardless of how you treat me… unless necessary. I am ME. ^_^